Happy Wednesday friends! 🌞
It’s been awhile (I say this literally every time lol, maybe I’ll stop soon…). I hope the first warmth of spring has arrived wherever you are. I’ve been away from the desert for most of the past few weeks. In my absence the land has exploded in color, with reds, oranges, yellows, and purples emerging from plants I didn’t know bloomed.
There is something deeply inspiring by their reinvention; after a dark and dormant winter they seem to remember the vividness they had before, and will have again. My good friend Jack always says, “everything in divine time,” a saying I initially resisted but have since taken on. After enough cycles of darkness and light, you start to remember that indeed, light will always come. The timing of the phases of our lives are not necessarily what we would pick if given the choice. But, I do believe that eventually we look back and see everything worked out exactly how it should. Timing is divine, even when it is painful. Everything is so beautiful, even as it falls apart.
Speaking of divine time, I have waited patiently to write about the below topic for awhile now and today felt like the day, so here we go.
How I Came to Be in an Ayahuasca Ceremony (Prologue: Ten Ceremonies)
You likely know bits and pieces of my story — how I started over in my early 30s and left the business world to find something more meaningful. Most of you know that it was about two years ago I that I left my full-time job, with little to no plan about what was going to happen next for me. What most of you don’t know is that, only a few days after my last day of work, I sat in my first ayahuasca ceremony.
The Context
It was February 2020 and I had been in talk therapy on and off for about 7 years up to that point to deal with what was, at times, quite severe depression. The prior fall I found myself, surprise surprise — yet again, in a low-level depression. I looked at my life, realized that despite having “everything” I aspired to at that point, I was still profoundly miserable and empty. The added layer of self-judgment and guilt about having so much seeming abundance in my life and still feeling this way only added to the malaise.
There is a universal human longing for “something more.” I consciously and unconsciously sought that out through accomplishments or relationships, physical feelings or (often) irresponsible partying. “If I am at a mission-aligned job, I will feel fulfilled. If I work more deeply with my partner, I will feel fulfilled. If I go back to school, I will prove to myself and others that I am worthy, and I will feel fulfilled. If I raise more money… if I take one more pill…” But I also knew that longing was deeper. What I most longed for was what I called stillness; I suppose it was my version of inner peace. Stillness was a concept that I had been journaling about for months until that time. I had become obsessed with finding it, and my day-to-day-life was anything but: I was in near constant anxiety at work, often crying in the bathroom or desperately doing breathing exercises to calm my nervous system. I was having panic attacks in my relationship. I often felt unsafe. My health was questionable, yet again. Stillness came to me in bits and pieces, here and there, often when I was in flow with art or movement. But those moments were few and far between and had become farther and farther away.
Additionally, I felt like I had hit a wall in therapy. I was back in weekly therapy for well over a year, with the best therapist I had ever had (who I still see weekly, two years later). Despite pretty consistent breakthroughs, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I just had a dark mass, like a giant mountain, looming in my subconscious holding me back & blocking my way. It’s hard to explain… but I just knew it was there and it felt so heavy. I imagined myself in front of that mountain, trying to move it but having nothing but a tiny pick axe, picking away slowly for years and hardly making a dent. I knew I had gone as far as I could with the tools that I had. I was desperate, and I was ready to throw a stick of dynamite at it. Now where to find a stick of proverbial dynamite — that indeed was the question.
Around this time I read Michael Pollan’s book, “How to Change Your Mind” (on psychedelics) and Bessel Van der Kolk’s, “The Body Keeps the Score” (on trauma), which combined, profoundly challenged my understanding of my own agency over my mind and body. I learned about how hard it is to change existing neural pathways, how we can get stuck in mental habits and kept in the cycle of our own negative beliefs, despite how hard we try. I learned about the emerging field of epigenetics and how science is proving how trauma can literally be passed from generation to generation through gene expression. Both books have become New York Times bestsellers and I can’t recommend them strongly enough. The knowledge allowed me to have more empathy for my own stuck cycles and confirmed my feeling that perhaps what I was feeling was not necessarily fully mine, or at least not (literally) done by me in this lifetime (a topic I further touch on here). I began get curious about psychedelic-assisted therapy: taking a psychedelic substance in a guided session with a trained professional. I started poking around to see what that might look like.
Ayahuasca 101
We pause our story for a little educational moment on ayahuasca. There are books and books written on this topic and even more information passed down through indigenous wisdom, so to you experts out there, forgive me for being brief (and feel free to send additional resources). My goal here is to give the novice reader enough context to understand what an ayahuasca experience entails and why it is so potentially powerful.
Ayahuasca is an indigenous plant medicine from the Amazon, a psychoactive botanical tea-like substance ceremonially brewed from the ayahuasca vine and chacruna leaves. Chemically, the mixture contains N,N-dimethyltryptamine (DMT), a hallucinogen, and harmine, a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI), which accentuates the ‘strength’ of the DMT. DMT is sometimes referred to as the ‘spirit molecule,’ for the intensity of spiritual experiences it often induces. Ayahuasca is often considered to be the most intense psychedelic substance you can take, with many experienced psychonauts still unwilling to touch it. I know, really great that that was where I chose to start. See: stick of dynamite. Anyway, more on that later.
People call ayahuasca a plant medicine, because of its traditional usage by indigenous cultures for rituals and ceremonies for healing, and also because of the sustained healing many people who ingest the tea receive. It is literally considered to be medicine in these cultures. I know you might be skeptical of this. When I first heard the term plant medicine, I found it to be a bit ‘I take myself too seriously’ and eyeroll-y for me too. But I have come to find it really is medicine (and literally is from a plant) and that it deserves the reverence that it is given. That being said, if you are not there yet, I offer to you the use the word ‘entheogen’ to describe it, rather than ‘drug.’ Entheogens are a class of chemical substances, typically of plant origin, that are ingested to produce a nonordinary states of consciousness for religious or spiritual purposes. Drug is an overly politicized-word that aims to other groups of people, a remnant from the Nixon-era War on Drugs (a thinly veiled attempt to suppress diverse parts of the American community), but that is another rant for another time. Calling it “plant medicine” did not feel resonant to me until after I had experiences with it, but entheogen is pretty cut-and-dry. And so we continue.
In many shamanic traditions, all plants are believed to be spirits, with gifts and guidance that they can bestow upon you. Even ‘simple’ herbs like rosemary or flowers like rose have ‘powers’ to share with you. You are likely familiar with tobacco or cannabis, which have more obvious effects (the less mystical word for powers) when digested. Some of these plants are considered master teachers, with many believing ayahuasca to be the mother or master of all. As such, it takes much training (for example, extended apprenticeship with elders and communities in the jungle) with the medicine to be allowed to brew it and to serve it. Ayahuasca is traditionally served to you by a shaman, or medicine man or woman, in a traditional ceremony that involves singing, praying, and community. The medicine is probably most infamous for its purge. Called “La Purga” by many cultures, it is common for ingestion of ayahuasca to elicit vomiting, crying, shaking, or other means of energetic release such as yes — pooping, before or during its onset. A typical ceremony is anywhere from 6-8 hours and for the most part you are sitting or lying down. In other words, no one is casually coming to an ayahuasca retreat (or at least they shouldn’t be). It is no joke and certainly not a vacation.
But people come — some out of curiosity, some out of obligation, some out of desperation because everything else they’ve tried up to that point hasn’t worked for them. People come to heal childhood traumas and addictions, to ask for guidance on their next life step, to mourn loved ones or mourn themselves, to let something go or call something in. There is a popular saying that says that one night with ayahuasca is like ten years of therapy. In my experience, one night can be more like lifetimes of therapy (especially if you combine it with actual therapy, but more on that later).
People come, and they come because in some way or another they were called. They say the medicine calls you, or makes itself known to you, when you are ready to receive it. Many people have crazy stories about how they came to be in their first ayahuasca ceremony. That is certainly true for me.
Seeking Stillness
Back to Fall 2019. Specifically September, specifically September 6th. Specifically sunset on September 6th in the Black Rock Desert, specifically this exact moment:
It was the Friday evening of Burning Man (if you are inserting an eye roll here, that is very much allowed) and I was biking with my friend Claire looking at the art in the deep playa, or the outer boundaries of the event. If you are interested in an overview and more sociological take on the Burning Man festival, I highly recommend Steven Kotler and Jamie Wheal’s book, “Stealing Fire: How Silicon Valley, the Navy SEALS, and Maverick Scientists are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work” which has a fantastic chapter on it.
The desert during sunset is a beautiful experience that I have now very much oriented my life around, but at the time, it was relatively new to me. For the first time it felt as if the earth was touching the sky in an explosion of the softest yet most vivid colors, so alive yet so calming. You get the sense that this is what the earth and sky experience when we are away; it is truly magical and awe-inspiring. I imagined that this is what people feel when they talk about having a big experience on psilocybin (mushrooms) in the wild — at one with the nature, at one with everything. But at the time, I didn’t know that for a fact. In fact, up to this point in my life I had never had a meaningful psychedelic or hallucinogenic experience, mostly due to the fact that my mind was in a terrifying and psychedelic enough state when I was “sober” so I shuddered to think what could be revealed to me when my resting state already seemed to be my peers’ “crazy experiences.”
No, at the moment pictured above I was totally sober. In fact I had slept 14 hours the night before and had not had any substances in my system for a couple days (a feat in and of itself at Burning Man). I felt so rested and I felt so free. And as I was walking around, I touched what can only be described as pure stillness. I felt the most deeply filling sense of calm, sense of ease, sense of peace. It was so wildly different from my day-to-day life and my regular state. The voices in my head quieted and stopped second-guessing, my nervous system and body felt relaxed yet strong. I felt at peace. I felt pure stillness. I thought, “This is it. This is the feeling I’ve been searching for. It exists - it actually exists.”
One of the things I have found about ‘healing,’ especially as someone who is quite intellectual and cerebral is that often I know the answers, I know how to help myself and I can very clearly see the patterns that are harming me. But knowing and executing on them are two different things. I often feel blocked, maybe by the above dark mountain, and that blockage is deeply maddening and painful. In How to Change Your Mind, Pollan has a beautiful metaphor for this. He describes the brain as a mountain face covered in snow. As we begin to live our lives, we ski down that mountain, creating tracks. The more we ski, the deeper the tracks get, the harder it is to make new tracks. Soon enough, we ski down the same path over and over, and so we get trapped: the neural pathway is too deep and it is too hard to find a new path. If that path is a negative one, good luck to you. Taking most psychedelics is like serving your mountain face a fresh snowfall: they allow you a clean slate to start over and start something new, to make a new set of tracks. Done in a guided setting, these tracks can be quite positive. Society would have you believe that if you work hard enough you can accomplish anything, but neuroscience has shown that that is not the case. Our brains can become hard-wired to some dark, dark paths. Sometimes you need a little help, sometimes you need a fresh snowfall.
When we set goals for ourselves, we are limited by the possibilities we can imagine. Often, it is not until we see someone else doing something different or have a net new experience, that our imagination begins expand and that new possibilities that we couldn’t have even fathomed enter our awareness. Rationally recognizing a feeling exists and experiencing a feeling first-hand are completely different things: it is the difference between knowing and understanding. I knew what stillness was, I knew there was a state that was different, drastically different, from the state I was residing in but until that moment at sunset, it was a concept that I didn’t fully understand, because I had never felt it. At that moment it became real in a visceral way, and it created a new possibility for me. At that moment, I knew what I was pointing towards.
I committed to changing my life, and in the weeks after, I began to make moves on that change. For most of my life I had been pointed at a destination (mostly an accomplishment), but now relishing in the freedom that comes with one’s willingness to “lose” everything, I pointed myself at a feeling. And as I made that commitment, a wild series of synchronicities and seemingly chance occurrences began to rain down upon me.
The Medicine Calls
The most significant seemingly chance occurrence was in October 2019 and it fundamentally altered the course of my life. I found myself in Rome for the wedding of two dear friends. Recently off a break-up (and weeks away from quitting my job), I began to panic while getting ready for their welcome party, realizing I was about to face many of my grad school classmates who might ask about my former partner. I was getting ready and hated my outfit, which as you might know, is the guaranteed way for a woman to begin to question literally everything.
Running late, I told most of my friends to go ahead and leave without me. In a tiny attic room in my Roman Airbnb, I changed my outfit, looked in the mirror, and for the first time in my life started reciting affirmations to myself, feeling both absolutely ridiculous but also somehow right? at the same time. Keep in mind this was two and a half years ago, much before affirmations entered the cultural lexicon of Gen Z, so this was decidedly not a thing. But it just came to me, so I went with it.
I told myself that I was beautiful, that I was truthful, that I was brave for making the changes I did, and that everything would be ok. Everything will be ok. I spoke to the universe for the first time, whatever that meant. It felt ridiculous but it felt right, and what did I have to lose? I ended with: “I surrender myself to Rome, and to this weekend, to the universe and to my life, and whatever happens happens.” And in the course of that process I began to feel the most overwhelming surge of energy. My anxiety had totally faded away and I began to feel what I can only describe as a surge of light from my heart and face. I felt like I was glowing, like I was in total bliss. It was like a cartoon character’s happiness explosion. It sounds completely bonkers and it was completely bonkers. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before and it was induced from what felt like an incantation. Since then different people have told me I unlocked my heart chakra, had a spiritual awakening, or a spontaneous kundalini activation. I honestly don’t know about any of that, but I did something and unlocked a feeling I had never felt in my then-30 years of life. It truly sounds crazy, but it happened, and it was the best I had ever felt. I was ready to go.
My friend Cri had waited for me, and being Italian, she knew a back way to the restaurant. I tottered down the cobblestone street in my heels (poor planning, but I assure you that — above picture proof — my outfit was great 😉) and in one alley we passed through, I paused because I just had a feeling. A giant tour group was walking at us, the kind with the leader waving a flag and people wearing headphones to hear her narrative about whatever old statue they might be passing. And in that group, walking towards me, was someone I recognized as a missed connection from my past — someone I had tried to connect with two years prior, but didn’t because the timing wasn’t right. But, as we’ve said, everything in divine time.
I was speechless and in disbelief as he walked past me and as Cri hurried me along to make it to aperitivo, happy hour. Could that really be him? In Rome, a city of 40 million, here, on this street at this moment? Where I shouldn’t have even been? And on a group tour?! Since I was young I have been obsessed with the tension between fate and agency: what do we control and what is predestined for us? But in that moment I understood: if fate is the seemingly impossible coincidence of a missed connection walking by you on the street in a foreign country, agency is your courage to actually reach out to see if it was them. I did, and it was. He had booked the tour last minute and was leaving Rome the next morning. Eerie.
We met up later that night and I began to tell him what was happening in my life and asking him about his experiences. He asked me what I was calling in — I said stillness. Stillness, of course, was his nickname. In the course of the past couple years I have found that the universe, or god, or spirit, or whatever larger thing you believe in has quite the sense of humor. After reorienting my life to chase the feeling, Stillness, it seemed, turned out to be a person.
A year prior he had attended a retreat that had been transformational for him — an ayahuasca retreat. He told me it wasn’t for the faint of heart and that I would need to be ready for everything to change. Honestly, he scared me out of it a bit. At the time, I knew little to nothing about ayahuasca, except for the vomiting (which I was terrified of) but I did know what I wanted: for everything to change. Having hit my rock bottom multiple times in the years leading up to that I finally decided, nothing was too precious to sacrifice in an attempt to change, and in a way save, my life. I was in. Four months later found myself in Mexico, sitting in my first ayahuasca ceremony.
Transformation
If you’ve observed the transformation that has occurred in my life since Fall 2019 — quitting my “dream job,” my dive into my creative expression, my move to Joshua Tree, the healing that has happened in my relationships, my developing vulnerability & ability to share my story, my lightness of spirit and my happiness, you have observed the power of this medicine. The stories from my ceremonies could fill a book (one day they will!) but my current life is my best example of the transformation that can occur through this work.
It is impossible for me to separate the work I have done in ayahuasca ceremonies over the past two years with the changes that have happened, because they are profoundly intertwined. Prior to sitting with ayahuasca, I was afraid true joy was not an emotion available to me, I was afraid I was fundamentally broken, I questioned if I was worthy of love, of happiness, of abundance (I didn’t even know what abundance was). I was trapped by my own anxiety and continual second-guessing of my life. And I have experienced how deeply false those fears and emotions were. I have experienced pure joy for the first time. I have made sense of my depression and received blessings from deceased ancestors. I have experienced nature in a whole new way and developed increased assuredness on my creative path, among so many other things. The work has been a deep privilege, but it has not been easy. And, it doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days (or weeks), but I have seen and begun to walk a path towards a profoundly different life.
This medicine is not necessarily for everyone and it is worth saying that my years in talk therapy were pivotal to the strength of the breakthroughs I had, and that my continuation in therapy after is perhaps the main reason I have been able to integrate what I learned in ceremony and apply it to my life in a lasting way. Before I started therapy, I was extremely disconnected from myself. Through therapy I was able to be honest about my emotions for the first time and begin to be truly vulnerable. I often say therapy changed, and saved, my life and I still believe that. I also believe everyone can benefit from therapy. The work you do in the therapy room ultimately is in benefit to your most important relationship — the one you have with yourself, which is the foundation for every other relationship in your life. Ayahuasca is not a silver bullet to a new and happy life, but it is a profound teacher that can help you if you are willing to create the circumstances to put its teaching into action. You must deeply commit to your own healing — but that doesn’t have to mean you do it alone. One of my deepest wishes for the world is that many more people benefit from therapy, which is medicine in its own right, because for many that is one of the first steps to freedom, and true satisfaction. For many, it is the best (first) fit. In addition to therapy, I have explored and am active with multiple other healing modalities from meditation to yoga, shamanic dreamwork to other plant medicines. I am fascinated and inspired by the many ways humans heal themselves. The process of pain and the process of healing are profoundly universal experiences that connect us all together much more than modern culture would lead us to believe. At the end of the day, our most painful experiences make us much more similar than they make us different.
If therapy began to heal my mind, ayahuasca has begun to heal my spirit. Spirit is a word I have been afraid to use in a serious capacity for a long tine, but there is no other good way to describe it. If you have been through your own the proverbial “dark night of the soul,” you know the pain you feel is so much deeper that just being mentally unwell. You feel it in your bones and in your heart and there is little in this dimension that can fix it. If you have no idea what I’m talking about this might sound crazy, but if you do then you know that at some point you get desperate enough to try exactly that which you once considered crazy. You know that there is more than what your eyes can see, because you feel the dark side of that “more.” You begin to wonder if that “more” has a light side too.
What I Needed to Hear
The question of if you are worthy or unworthy of happiness/peace/love/ fill-in-the-personal-blank is the wrong question. You are inherently worthy, period, end of sentence. There is so much more to life than being miserable and anxious, there is so much more to life than constantly questioning yourself, than feeling trapped or feeling like you are alone in this world. There is deeper medicine than your pills or your alcohol or your cigarettes. It can be so much better: you can feel blessed. And, you can pursue any of that and still show up fully in this world, for your family, for your friends, for your partner and most importantly, for yourself. The spiritual path (or whatever you want to call it) does not need to lead to selling crystals in Tulum or being a medicine man in the jungle. It could just lead to a better quality of life right here and right now. It could just lead to you being a more full version of you. And you don’t need to have gone through deep suffering to be worthy of change either. You are worthy, period. I don’t know who needs to hear all that, but that is what I needed to hear.
Gratitude
I am profoundly humbled and grateful for all that this medicine has taught me, and to 1heart and the individuals I did and did not name who brought me to this work and who have continuously shown up for me during my own journey. I am grateful to be doing this thing called life with you, you have changed me for the better. If this has resonated with you, if you are curious, I invite you to approach me. I would love to share my experiences with you or help you how I can. I also invite you to share this with anyone with whom you will think it will resonate. Stories as so powerful; they are often the spark that ignites the possibility of a better life for someone. My healing is your healing, and your healing is my healing. To the extent I am able, this is why I am dedicated to sharing.
And if/when you do do this work, I urge you to find an organization like 1heart that partners closely with indigenous tribes and medicine carriers that do this work with integrity and reverence both for the plants and the communities that act as gatekeepers for them. Thank you to the plants and thank you to the guides that come to our side for support in and outside of this work. Thank you to all the curanderos and curanderas out there, who bring this healing around the globe and often risk their own safety in doing soon. Your work will ripple on for generations and will change the world. It is already changing it, truly.
A last caution — there are a lot of spiritual egos & sketchy ceremonies. One of the more unfortunate ‘common’ narratives around ayahuasca is that of the tech CEO who sits with ayahuasca, touches enlightenment, then immediately fancies themself a shaman (lol’ing, kind of). I am sure that is part of their journey in their own way, but those types of ceremonies can also be incredibly dangerous. Who serves you the medicine is so, so deeply important, and these medicine men and women train for years with indigenous communities and with the spirit of the medicine so as to be able to hold the space you need and support you if you have a difficult ceremony. Please do not take this work lightly. Your dedication to preparation and integration afterwards will profoundly impact your ability to make lasting change. Working with a trusted organization that includes preparation and integration can be a great and safe first experience. Do not take this work lightly and make sure you have support before, during, and after. 🤍 Please reach out if you need resources and I would be happy to support you how I can and/or put you in touch with someone who can better. I also love hearing from you in general, so feedback or just saying hi is very welcome.
I am sure I will be sharing more about my experiences in the months and years to come but for now, I wish you deep happiness and that you may find whatever you need. Gracias medicina 🌱 and blessed journeys to wherever your path may take you. 🤗 ✨
To support my work, please view my original art, ceremony-inspired or otherwise, by visiting my website at: www.alexmacedastudio.com/originals
Additional Resources & Further Reading:
MAPS (multi-disciplinary association for psychedelic science) is the leading non-profit research agency dedicated to funding research in the psychedelic and ethneogenic space. There are tons of resources from white papers to vetted providers on there if you’d like to explore.
1Heart is a transformational retreat for heart-led leaders that offers multi-disciplinary healing approach, including indigenous plant medicines. The next retreat is in June 2022.
Lost on Purpose is the inspiring story of Brandon Evans’ journey from Type A business leader to 1Heart founder
Deep Fix is one of my favorite newsletters. Written by my friend Alex Olshonsky, it covers healing, recovery, modern tech and spirituality in an intellectual yet approachable, and always enjoyable way.